Not all apologies are created equal. While a good one can’t always fully undo the damage that’s been done, apologies help people on the receiving end feel validated, emotionally heal, and even ease a desire for revenge, says Seiji Takaku, a professor of psychology at Soka University of America in Aliso Viejo, Calif., who has researched forgiveness. If you’re on the receiving end of a sorry attempt to make amends, on the other hand, it might feel just as offensive as the original transgression.
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How someone apologizes will determine how you respond. We asked experts what to say in a variety of situations—including when you want to accept the apology, when you definitely don’t, and when you simply need more time to forgive.
“Thanks for explaining why you did what you did without making an excuse.”
A genuine apology includes a number of ingredients, Takaku says: The person has to clearly note what they’re apologizing for, explain their actions without making excuses, express emotions like shame and regret, and promise they won’t do it again. If you’re satisfied with the apology and want to accept it, say so directly.
Read More: 8 Ways to Apologize Well
Add what you especially appreciate; if your friend took full ownership of what they did wrong and didn’t try to justify it, thank them for that. “We should acknowledge the presence of these important components of a genuine apology,” Takaku says. After all, it’s positive reinforcement for the future.
“I understand you’re trying to make amends, but I’m not quite ready to accept that right now.”
When you’re responding to an apology you don’t want to accept, aim to find a balance between honesty and kindness, advises Audra Nuru, a professor of communication studies and family studies at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, Minn. Gently and clearly explain your position using “I” statements, focusing on your own feelings rather than placing blame: “I’m still feeling hurt by what happened” vs. “You made me feel hurt.” That allows you to express your truth without escalating the situation.
“We can’t change other people’s behavior, but what’s completely in our control is how we respond,” she says. “You’re communicating to them where that boundary is, and you’re saying it for only you.”
“I think we need to talk about what happened.”
Sometimes, you won’t feel comfortable accepting an apology until you talk it out. That gives both people an opportunity to express themselves and clarify the situation. “A lot of things get lost in translation,” says Cynthia Flores, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco. “It’s important to invite that deeper conversation and listen to each other’s side, because maybe you’re perceiving something one way, and they meant it another way.”
“I’d rather you only apologize if you truly mean it.”
Forced or performative apologies rarely go over well. If you sense that’s what you’re receiving, make it clear that saying nothing at all would be preferable, Flores advises. You can also simply say: “This does not feel genuine.”
Similarly, if someone apologizes but goes heavy on the excuses, it’s OK to tactfully push back: “I’d like to hear an apology without justification. Can we try that again?” “It requires a lot of self-awareness from the person who is apologizing,” Flores says. “But people can be responsive.”
“I don’t get the feeling you’re really understanding the depth of my pain.”
If the person apologizing to you still doesn’t get why you’re so hurt, call them out. Start the conversation by telling your friend or partner you know they’d like to move forward and put the dispute behind you—but you can’t until they have a better grasp of the way their actions affected you.
Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner
“It sets a boundary that you’re unwilling to accept a vapid apology,” says Naomi Bernstein, a clinical psychologist in Dallas who co-hosts the Oversharing podcast. “But it also gives space for a calm conversation.” She suggests being prepared with concrete examples of what you’d like to see or hear in order to accept the apology.
“I want to be honest—waiting this long hurt.”
An overdue apology can spark frustration, anger, resentment, and even a sense of grief. “It disconnects people,” Flores says, jeopardizing the relationship’s dynamic. Let your friend or partner know how waiting for their apology affected you. Once they understand the impact, they’ll be more likely to address future situations in a timelier manner. To keep the conversation productive, speak honestly but not in an accusatory tone, Flores suggests.
“I hear your words, but I need to see changes to rebuild trust.”
Apologies should be followed by actions. Communication is key, Flores stresses: Tell your friend exactly what you need them to do in order to restore a sense of trust. “It’s really about coming up with agreements and talking about the next steps,” she says. “Relationships are built on vulnerability, safety, and trust, so that needs to be part of the repair process.”
“Thanks—that makes me feel really safe.”
It’s worth celebrating the A+ apologies that make you feel confident and secure in your relationship. Tell your loved one you appreciate knowing you can be open when you feel hurt, Bernstein suggests, and then add: “If roles are ever reversed, I hope I can do the same for you.” This probably won’t be the last time you encounter a bump in the road, and knowing you’ll each take accountability and apologize when you need to will help preserve your bond.
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
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