What to Say to Someone Who Lost Everything in the California Wildfires

Watching your home, belongings, and neighborhood disappear to a tremendous wildfire is physically and emotionally unimaginable. Even for people in Los Angeles currently living it.

While many people who have lost everything aren’t yet able to fully process what they’re feeling, their emotions will evolve and intensify over the coming days, weeks, and months, says Nancy A. Piotrowski, a psychologist in Vallejo, Calif., who’s on the American Psychological Association’s Board of Scientific Affairs and counsels clients hit by natural disasters. The trauma can linger for a lifetime.

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“Initially, people are shocked and overwhelmed and feel grief, fear, and anger,” she says. “They might be experiencing relief to be alive, or guilt if others they loved were hurt or died.” Some will simply feel numb, she adds.

There are no perfect words to use when talking to someone who’s been affected, but it’s vital to show you care and offer support. First, what not to say: steer clear of the word “should,” which is judgmental, Piotrowski suggests, or “at least,” which sugar-coats the situation. It’s also not a good idea to insinuate that everything happens for a reason, or that your loved one should just focus on what they still have.

We asked experts exactly what to say to friends or family members who lost everything—or close to it—in the Los Angeles fires.

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this traumatic loss. What’s it been like for you?”

Two days after evacuating to a hotel in Ventura, Calif., with her daughter, dog, and two cats, Dr. Carole Lieberman couldn’t stop watching the news. She looked up from her phone, where she was refreshing the latest headlines, only to fix her gaze on the TV. Lieberman—a psychiatrist who had been living in a rental for the last six years, since her home was damaged in the 2018 Woolsey Fire—was in “panic mode” and couldn’t stomach eating breakfast for days.

As the fires ravaged Los Angeles, lots of people reached out to make sure Lieberman was OK. She appreciated those who made it clear they truly wanted to understand what she was going through. She told her best friend about how she called the fire station about the Freddy Fire (“no one answered, of course”) and how she made the decision to evacuate along the Pacific Coast Highway in dangerous winds. Recounting the harrowing experience felt cathartic. “It really does help to share,” she says. “Be compassionate and empathetic, and ask about the person’s story, because everybody has a story—or lots of stories.”

“Please let me know how you’re doing when you can. No need to respond right now.”

Don’t underestimate the power of reaching out. Dr. Gary Small, chair of psychiatry at Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey, owns a house in the affected area, and a friend called to offer support. “He was really kind and said, ‘I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?’” he recalls. “You don’t have to say a lot—just be real and sincere and offer help if it’s needed.”

A “light check-in” can be the perfect way to approach your early communication, Piotrowski says. Otherwise, having to respond to well-intentioned messages can make long to-do lists even more daunting. “We know from research that sometimes social support feels like support,” she says. “Other times, it feels like pressure, or one more thing we have to respond to.”

The way you word your message can ensure your loved one doesn’t feel like another assignment they don’t have time for just landed on their plate—and makes it more likely they’ll reach out once they’re able to do so.

“Can I bring you some food or water or clothes or a book? What about supplies for your pets?”

Rather than issuing a vague offer to help—or asking your friend if they need anything—focus on making specific offers, Piotrowski suggests. That might mean bringing them face masks that will help protect against the smoky air, toiletries, games or other entertainment for their kids, or a bag of dog food. “You’re prompting the person with ideas,” she says. “They might not remember offhand what they need, but they’ll recognize it if you ask them if they need it.”

She also recommends making clear that your offer to help won’t expire. “I’d like to be able to help you,” you might say. “If you need something, please let me know. It doesn’t matter if it’s today, tomorrow, or six months from now. Let me know, and if I can’t do it, I’ll try to help find someone who can.”

“You’re safe in my home. You can bring whoever you need to and stay as long as you’d like.”

When Amber Robinson, a trauma therapist in Los Angeles, looked out her window last week, she had a 360° view of flames: There was a fire in every direction, including one about 7 miles from her home. The fires have had a personal and professional impact on her. As her friends and family members evacuated and were forced to make quick decisions about which belongings to take with them, her clients were grappling with the same situation.

She’s devastated for everyone who lost their home—and has given a lot of thought to what she can say to show she cares. That includes welcoming friends in need into her home, if she ends up being in a position to do so. “It can be immeasurably helpful,” she says, especially since people who are displaced will likely feel as though they’re a burden to others. “If someone is able to invite you into their home with no expiration date, and just be there with you to sit and talk about it or not talk about it—just offering a safe space—that can be so comforting.”

“Go ahead and cry or scream it out. I’m here.”

Therapist Karen Stewart’s office overlooks the Palisades Fire—she’s less than 2 miles away from the worst of the blaze. She recalls seeing the fire growing on the mountains last week, and then watching in horror as the flames engulfed nearby buildings. She knows many people who lost everything: “All they have left is the clothes on their backs, the dogs in their car, a passport, and a few pictures,” she says. Stewart has learned that the best way to approach communication in such a vulnerable time is to make it clear that, while you might not know exactly what to say, you’re there to listen. “Let them speak; let them cry, let them scream, let them sit in silence,” she says. “Hold the space for them, because they’re feeling literally and figuratively displaced.”

“I wasn’t sure if you’d be comfortable taking money from me, but I sent a check to the Red Cross in your area. I hope you’ll reach out to them.”

Depending on the nature of your relationship, you might decide to send your friend a gift card or some money to help offset their financial stress. If you think they’d have a hard time accepting that kind of gesture, make a donation to a local organization that’s helping those in need, and urge your friend to reach out, Piotrowski suggests. The money won’t go directly to them, of course, but knowing what you did might encourage someone who would otherwise resist help to tap into available resources—maybe accepting free meals, clothing, or baby supplies, for example. Either way, you can feel good knowing your donation will support people affected by the blazes, and your friend will likely appreciate what you’re doing for their community.

In general, directing your loved ones to helpful resources can be an effective way to show support, Piotrowski adds—especially if you’re in a better position to do extensive online research than they are.

“I have an inkling of how you feel.”

One of the worst things you can say to someone affected by the wildfires is that you know how they feel—unless, of course, you really do. If you try to compare losing a house full of memories to a much less significant loss, it’s not going to go over well, Lieberman says. But if you’ve suffered a comparable loss, it’s OK to tell your friend or loved one about it. As long as you emphasize that you know it’s not exactly the same situation, she adds, your friend might take some comfort in talking to you about how you worked through your grief.

“Here are some good memories for you.”

Kay Connors’ sister-in-law lost her home in last week’s fires—which means she lost not just physical items, but special family keepsakes and memories and all the other irreplaceable artifacts that make a life. Connors, a social worker in the psychiatry division at the University of Maryland Children’s Hospital, specializes in psychological first aid, which includes helping communities, families, and children who have experienced traumatic mass events. That training inspired different ways of showing support to her own family members.

“I texted my sister-in-law some family photos that she probably would have lost, just to cheer her up,” she says. “Like, ‘Here’s some good memories to focus on.’” As time unfolds, perhaps you could make a scrapbook or photo album for your loved one—a small way of helping them recover something sentimental they lost.

“It’s OK to be angry.”

Make it clear to people affected by the wildfires that they’re allowed to feel their feelings, whatever that looks like. “They’re allowed to be upset, they’re allowed to be angry, they’re allowed to be confused, they’re allowed to be scared,” Robinson says. Research suggests that validation helps people feel understood and accepted, and can even defuse intense emotions. “LA is a weird place to be right now,” she adds. “There’s a lot of anxiety, and there’s a lot of dystopian feelings, so leaning on each other and talking through fears and anxiety is important.”

“I really care about you, and I wish I knew what to say. But I want you to promise me you’ll call 988 if you need to.”

Researchers have found that suicide rates increase after natural disasters. Some people might be at heightened risk, Piotrowski says: “Imagine you’re an elder and you live alone, and everything’s gone. Or maybe you just went through a divorce, and you were finally getting back on your feet, and then bang, this happened.” It can feel like too much to endure. If someone tells you they no longer want to live, point them toward the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, Piotrowski urges. It’s available 24/7 via call, text, and online chat.

“Can I give you a hug?”

If you have the kind of relationship with someone that includes physical touch, now might be a good time to lean in for a hug. If it’s new for you, ask permission first, Piotrowski advises. Putting a gentle hand on someone’s shoulder can have an equally comforting effect, she adds, especially when they’re lost in their thoughts or so frozen in the moment that they’re unable to talk. “You don’t want to invade their physical space,” she says. “But that can bring people out of their mind and help them be back sitting right next to you.”

“I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

The thousands of people who lost their homes in the Los Angeles wildfires will likely receive a lot of support early on. “I imagine there would be a ton of rallying around them in the first few days, weeks, or even months,” Robinson says. “But this is a long, long process, and a lot of times people tend to scurry—not intentionally—as time goes on.” The fires will create long-lasting trauma, she adds; she’s worked with clients who lost their homes to wildfires and were still struggling with the experience years later. Making it clear that you’ll be there every step of the way, no matter how long that might be, is one of the best ways to provide support.

That could simply mean checking in a few months down the road with a heart emoji or a quick text to let your friend know you’re thinking of them. “Something I say to my clients all the time is that grief is not linear, but neither is healing,” Robinson says. “It will take time. But grief shared is grief lightened, and one of the most comforting things is having a community.”